Chapter 45: Soul Bearing

‘When Heather and I split, it just about killed me.” Richie sighed and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “To say there were misunderstandings on both sides is a gross understatement, but instead of trying to clear them up, we just let them fester and drive us apart. I tried to lose myself in work, but that didn’t really help. Hell, you’ve heard the latest album. Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s fantastic, but on the whole, it isn’t exactly uplifting. It was cathartic to write, but still painful to hear and perform sometimes. I tried to lose myself in drinking, but that didn’t work either."

Richie sighed. "I’m not a good drunk, never was, even back in the day. I can handle the alcohol fairly well for the most part, but can’t stand the lethargic way it makes me feel. Last summer, when all the shit in my life culminated, I gave in and embraced that numb feeling. I forgot about everything that was right and beautiful in my life, and concentrated on the bad stuff. I got selfish, and decided that feeling numb was preferable to the pain.”

He smiled ironically. “Turns out, once I started down that path, I learned that there was no numbness, there was no pain, there was nothing. Feeling nothing was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. Nothing mattered. Not my daughter, not my family, not my brothers here, and not my friends. I just wanted to escape from life. Instead I got a wakeup call. The people I loved finally were able to knock some sense into me. They helped me see that what I was doing was self-destructive instead of helpful. With some help, I realized that my biggest problem was that I was trying to lose myself, to run away from myself, and that isn’t the way to solve anything.”

Julianna just watched this beautiful man pace around, bearing his soul to her. Her heart squeezed in sympathy for his pain, and somehow in this sharing, she felt better about her own pain. She realized that her problems were petty and small compared to what he had gone through. He truly was amazing.

“Losing myself wasn’t the answer,” Richie continued. “I had gotten so far down the path of trying to run from my problems that I really did start to lose myself. I started to just exist instead of letting myself live. I’m usually a very involved person. I do things. I go places.” He stopped to shake his head. “I had lost that part of myself along the way. It took Jon weeks to convince me to come out here to the country to relax and recharge and try to recapture my essence.”

Richie stopped pacing and stalked across the room to Julianna; standing close to her but not touching her. “That day that I saw you in your studio? When you were working with my music? I think that’s when I really started coming back. The words and music still haunt me, but now, instead of the pain and anguish that I was feeling during the writing process, I see you. Instead of remembering the sadness that laced the begging and longing that crept in my voice when I was singing it, I remember the emotion on your face when you thought nobody was looking.” He took Julianna’s hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “Instead of hating the sound of my own heartbeat sometimes, I remember how it races when I’m with you. Instead of my soul feeling lost and alone, it feels connected. To you.”

He searched Julianna’s face for some sign of what she was thinking. For someone who made his living with words, he was unsure of the ones he was choosing now. He spoke quietly to Julianna, trying to make her understand. “I tried fighting this feeling because at first it came on fast and hard. Sometimes, I felt like I was just latching onto someone who was bringing me back from the abyss. But, the more we’re together, the more we see of each other and learn of each other, the deeper I feel a connection to you. Somehow, without realizing it, over this last month, I started living again. I know in my head that that you didn’t make that happen. You may have helped to inspire me, but I did it myself. I had the strength to come out of the darkness. You don’t know how powerful a realization that is.”

Richie led her to the couch, where they sat close together. “That night, when you gave me this key, you very neatly put into words what I was feeling, but couldn’t put my finger on. Home. I do feel at home when I’m with you. There’s a feeling of comfort and connection, and there’s the physical stuff sure, but for me it’s deeper than that. I said before I thought we were kindred spirits; well, I think it’s more than that.” He paused to make sure he had her full attention.

“I heard a really corny line in a movie once,” he continued. “The actor said ‘true love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.’ Well, for me, I think you are that counterpoint. I see in you a bit of myself. More, I see reflected in your eyes the man I’ve been trying so hard to be. I can’t imagine a day going by now without you in it. What I’m trying to tell you is that I love you, Julianna.”

Richie blew out a breath. “OK, that’s it. That’s what I wanted to say.”

Richie stopped and waited; seeing that Julianna was absorbing everything he had said. She looked at him, really searching his eyes. What she saw there made her face split into smile that lit up the whole room. He really meant it. “Rich, I – I’m overwhelmed. This is so unexpected. By the look on your face before, I was sure this was going someplace I didn’t want it to go. You’ve made me so happy,” she said. A shadow crossed in front of her eyes, and her smile fell. She was sitting on the sofa, and leaned forward to rest her arms on her knees.

“I need to explain what happened to me when I found Mark and ugh, that woman together. I was devastated. I had some sort of blackout. I don’t remember anything that happened over the next six days.” Richie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Undaunted, Julianna continued. “Any information I have from that time I got from Nicky. Apparently, after I made Mark leave the house, I gathered all of his belongings and burned them in the fireplace. It took an entire four days, and I went straight through without a break. No eating, no sleeping. At the end, when I ran out of his personal things, I started to burn or break anything that reminded me of him. Photos, school mementos, CDs or books we had shared. I can’t tell you how many place settings fell victim to my tantrum.” Julianna took a steadying breath, and centered herself by concentrating on Richie’s face. There was understanding and anger on her behalf, but no pity. She wouldn’t be able to stand it if she saw pity there.

“I think it was day three that was a Wednesday. My brothers were worried when I didn’t get to Francesca’s for dinner, because we had made specific plans to meet. Nicky says he called, but I barely spoke. I apparently answered the phone, and when Nicky identified himself, I told him I was busy with the burning and cleansing, and hung up the phone.” Julianna smiled and laughed without humor. He made it here in record time, and that’s even with getting stopped for speeding.” She laughed again; this time it made it all the way to her eyes. “The officer that stopped him was one of Da’s friends. When Nicky told him why he was in such an all-fired hurry, damned if he didn’t get a police escort to my door.”

Julianna stopped to shake her head. Sighing, she slapped her thighs and stood; starting her own laps around the room. “Nicky found me in the same clothes I was wearing when I left the theater, and apparently, I hadn’t opened the flue all the way, and the house was slowly filling with smoke. I wouldn’t be deterred, however. Nicky said he opened some windows and then I made him help me finish the burning. When we were done, I slept for two days straight. My brothers were there for me, taking shifts around the clock, so I wouldn’t be alone. When I woke up, they helped me move some of my stuff to the cottage, and that was the last I was physically here. I told you and Jon before that I hadn’t stepped foot in here since the night I found Mark, and I mean it. I still don’t remember anything after ordering him and bitch out of my house. It was scary, losing all that time.”

Julianna completed her circuit of the room, touching the unfamiliar objects. “When I woke up, it was Gianni’s watch. I asked him what time it was, and he told me it was noon. On Saturday. I had lost almost an entire week. Mama and Daddy had closed the restaurant; they couldn’t concentrate, so the food was awful. My sisters-in-law had taken all my clothes to be cleaned because the smoke smell was so pervasive. My brothers rallied friends and family to rehab the cottage for me, and to redecorate the house. I couldn’t have any part in it. No matter what joys this place may have held, the sorrows were far more powerful.”

Julianna came back to sit next to Richie, and took one of his hands in both of hers. “Once I started the new show, that’s all I knew. It took all my energy and attention. I didn’t go out, I didn’t talk to my friends – it’s a wonder that I have any left. It’s a miracle that Estelle, the realtor who handled your rental and my best friend for more years than I can count, is still speaking to me. I practically lived at the theater. I had a real hard time being able to give my trust to anyone; even people I’ve known for years. I wouldn’t even talk to my family. It was just too much. These last few months, I’ve started to come back from the depression. This last month, I feel like I’m back to being almost normal. Going out last night was a huge step for me. It’s the first time I’ve really been social outside of family in over a year. That’s why I talked to my brothers, and why we went to MacGuire’s. It was for me to be with family. It was for my comfort.”

Julianna squeezed Richie’s hand, and scooted to the edge of the couch. She stared into his eyes. “I feel the same way you do. You’ve made your way into my heart. At first, I thought it was the excitement of meeting you, of being around one of my idols and long-time crushes.” She smiled. “I felt a connection to you from the start, but I refused to believe it. That night in the studio, when we’d had all that to drink, and I sang that song for you, it was really from the heart. This heart is yours to break, and that scares the shit out of me.” She dropped her hands, and looked at the floor.

“I’m a very passionate, loyal, and loving person,” Julianna said. “I feel emotions in extremes, and don’t do anything halfway, which is why I get so deeply hurt sometimes. If I’m going to do something, whether it’s work, the Foundation, my pet projects, or,” she raised her head to look at Richie again, “or a serious relationship, I do it whole-hog. I’m also very stubborn, driven, and extremely dedicated to my work.

“I’ve been half in love with you nearly my entire life. Now I realize that was just a crush on the stage you, not the real you. Now I realize what feeling in love with you feels like. It’s the giddy feeling I get when I look out the window at this house, knowing you’re over here; hoping you’re thinking of me, and wondering if you’ll come to see me. It’s the smile in my heart I feel when I work out in my studio, and remember you coming back from New Orleans, and my brothers’ untimely arrival. It’s the leap in my pulse when I remember opening my front door to you the first time we met. It’s the joy of a hundred happy memories I already have with you that have displaced some of the bad memories of my past.”

Julianna stopped, and looked at Richie. He had a silly smile on his face. She laughed. “Rich, I’m not trying to say I’m falling in love with you,” she took a deep breath, and just said it. “I – I’m already there. I love you. I don’t know how it happened so quickly, or why I feel it so deeply, but it’s there. I’m going to trust in it, trust in you. I’m scared as hell over this, but I’m more scared of losing this feeling.”