Chapter 52: Ultimatum

Julianna broke the kiss and pushed Richie away. “That wasn’t fair, and you know it. You know I can’t think straight when you kiss me. You overwhelm me.” She started crying in earnest, and backed away. “This doesn’t change anything. I’m still not right for you. You need someone who’s as strong as you are.”

Richie just stared at her. He couldn’t believe he was hearing this from her. She was trying to throw away something that could be so perfect, if she’d only let it. He threw up his hands. “Julianna, I don’t know what else I can do or say to prove to you that you’re who and what I want – that you’re making too much out of this one episode. I can only tell you I love you and want to be with you, no matter what.”

He leaned in toward Julianna and pointed angrily at her. “If you don’t want that anymore; if you’ve changed your mind, just say so, and I’ll be gone. You’ll not hear from me again. Can you stand there, and look me in the eyes, and tell me you’ve changed your mind?”

The pair squared off. Richie was just about ready to throw up, he was so nervous, and Julianna was pale as death. Richie just looked at Julianna, waiting for her move. Julianna licked her lips and couldn’t keep her hands still. At least this isn’t easy for her, Richie thought; feeling a twinge of guilt for taking a small measure of pleasure at her discomfort.

“Rich,” she said, “it isn’t that simple.”

“Yes, it is,” Richie countered. He leaned in even closer so that Julianna had no choice but to look him square in the eyes, and put gentle hands on her shoulders. It took all his control not to give her a little shake. “Either you love me or you don’t. It’s that simple. It’s all or nothing, baby, remember? The details we can figure out, but the main thing is, do you still love me? Do you still want to be a part of my life, and to let me be a part of yours?”

Richie waited a long minute, while Julianna said nothing. Just when he was about to say something, anything to fill the silence, Julianna spoke so softly it was almost a whisper. “I’m so scared, Rich. I’m scared that your whole reaction is just a heat of the moment thing.” Julianna worried her lip with her teeth, and threaded her hands together. “I’m scared that when I tell you that of course I still love you; that I still want to be with you, that it won’t be enough for you; that I won’t be enough for you. I’m scared that the next time this happens, or the time after that, at some point you will say you’ve had enough, and I’ll get hurt again.” She shook her head violently. “I can’t handle that again; I just can’t. This is still new, and we’re already hurting. I think it will just be easier all around if we just –”

Richie interrupted; his own voice soft. “Easy? You think that throwing this away will be easy? Jesus, lady, do you ever have something to learn about easy.” He dropped his hands from Julianna’s shoulders and spoke to her, gesturing wildly with his hands as he moved about the room. “Running away, that part is easy – believe me, I know. What’s easy is letting yourself believe you’re not worth anything so you don’t feel badly when you fall short of your own expectations. What’s easy is bailing when things get tough.”

Julianna’s eyes were tearing again, listening to Richie. He was talking about her, but she suspected he was also talking a little bit about himself.

Richie grabbed Julianna’s hands, and wouldn’t let them go when she struggled to free herself. “Baby, haven’t you heard? Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. All the good stuff is hard. What’s hard is realizing when you have something worth fighting for, even when it scares the hell out of you. What’s hard is asking for help. What’s hard is accepting help from the people around you, even if you think you don’t need it or don’t want it or aren’t worth it.”

Richie softened his voice. He could see the internal battle Julianna was waging – he hoped to Hell and back that the right side was winning. “I know all this because I’ve been where you are. I tried to run away from my problems, and I wouldn’t listen to anyone but myself. I wouldn’t let anyone help me; couldn’t let anyone see I was anything less than perfect. But you know what? It caught up to me. Big time.”

He choked back the tears that threatened to overtake him. “What saved me was that I had a loyal, stubborn extended family who loved me too much to let me bury myself in the dark hole I was trapped in. Sweetheart, I see you falling into that same hole, and it scares the ever-loving living shit out of me.” Richie trailed a hand over Julianna’s hair and cupped her chin. “If you’ll let me, I want to try to help you get out of the hole before it’s too late. Not as a lover, not as a partner, but as your friend, if that’s what you want.” God, it hurt to say that, Richie thought.

Julianna felt herself relax a little. She knew that Richie was trying to take some of the pressure off of her. When she got past that, she saw that what he was saying made sense. She knew that running away wasn’t the answer, and if she was totally honest with herself, she’d admit that it didn’t work too well the last time around, either. She was just too afraid of getting hurt again, and even more afraid of hurting this wonderful, caring man any more than she already had.

Julianna remembered her grandmother’s words; that Richie was already hurting, and it was up to her to make it right. She didn’t know what ‘right’ meant anymore. Her head was spinning in a thousand different directions, but most of them led back to Richie. She wanted him in her life, plain and simple. She loved him – that hadn’t changed. She just didn’t know if she was strong enough to take the support he was offering. It would be so much easier just to give up.

Maybe if there was no pressure to be “his”, she could keep him in her life. Maybe if he acted as her friend rather than her – what? Lover? Partner? Soulmate? Maybe, but did she want to lose that other part; that closeness? Was that fair to him? She didn’t think so. Richie deserved someone who could be everything to him.

With a resigned sigh, she opened her mouth to speak.

* * * * *

Outside the building, Nicky and the others were waiting impatiently. Richie had been gone for the better part of an hour, and they were hoping that meant good news. To a man, they had been all standing around scowling, but were now commiserating with each other. It had started to get dark, and a cool front was moving through. They were starting to get cold.

Nicky, Sal, and Gianni were apologizing to Richie’s friends for their sister’s behavior. Jon, Tico, and David were apologizing to Julianna’s brothers for Richie bringing her into the house. After a few rounds of this, however, they quickly came to the decision that it was useless arguing about it. There was fault and blame to share, and they should put it behind them and move on.

Sal asked the group, “You suppose those two will ever come to the same conclusion?”

Dave answered. “I don’t know, man. They’re both, um, strong-willed people. Who knows what’s going on in their heads?”

“So, how long should we wait out here?” Gianni asked, crossing his arms over his chest. “I know my sister: if Richie hasn’t come down yet, she’s listening to him, and they’re hashing this out. I’m betting it’ll be quite a while before either of them surfaces.”

“I don’t know how long we should wait,” Jon said, crossing his own arms across his chest against the cold. “All I know is that I don’t want to leave until I hear from Richie. I don’t want to call him, though; don’t want to interrupt. I guess I’ll just wait here for the duration.” Tico and Dave agreed. They weren’t going anywhere either until they heard from their friend.

Jon approached Michael, where the younger man stood leaning against the car. He took the bags he had packed from the trunk and thanked the man for giving up his day off to help. Michael stopped Jon as he was reaching for his wallet, saying “I don’t want your money. I consider this payback for Julianna’s kindness and loyalty to me over the years.” He handed Jon a business card. “Call me if you need my services again. Anytime.” He shook Jon’s hand, got into his car, and took off.

Gianni talked to the doorman. “Hey, Joseph, if we promise not to go up to Jules’ apartment, can we at least go sit in the lobby? It’s getting boring just standing here, and we’re getting cold.”

Joseph considered the group of men. He knew Julianna’s brothers of course, and recognized the others from the posters on his sixteen year old daughter’s wall. He really didn’t think they’d be any trouble. He weighed the brother’s request against the promise he made to Julianna. He knew that something was up from Julianna’s plea for privacy, and guessed that these men were all here for the moral support of her and the man who went up after her. Joseph decided to let them in. After all, it’s not like it wasn’t a public building of sorts. They were really just humoring him by staying outside. “OK, but please, don’t abuse my trust. If you all promise to stay downstairs, I’ll let you in.”

The six men all looked around at each other and nodded. Joseph opened the door for them, and watched as they settled into the lobby.

* * * * *

Julianna opened her mouth to speak.

“Rich, I love you. That hasn’t changed, and I don’t want to lose that. I also don’t want to lose the friendship we built. But,” God, I hate that word, Richie thought. “But I don’t know if I can be the woman you want as a partner.” She sighed. “I just know that deep down I don’t want to be without you in my life. You have become essential to me.” Richie smiled a little at her words. “I know that’s selfish, but it’s the honest truth.”

“Sweetheart,” Richie said, “I’ve already told you that you’re the one that I want, come Hell or high water. You’re the one that has to be convinced of that. I’m not going anywhere. When you finally realize that, I’ll be right here, beside you.”

“If you say so, I guess I’ll believe it,” Julianna said on a heavy sigh. “I simply don’t have the strength to argue with you anymore.” She sat on the sofa hard, like all the strength had been sapped from her body, and closed her eyes. “Rich, I really can’t handle too much more today. I need time to get through the feelings that being back in that house awoke in me,” Julianna said, “and time to process everything that happened today. That’s all I can deal with right now emotionally.” She looked up at him. “Can you accept that for now?”

“I will do whatever you need me to do; I’ll help you any way I can,” Richie said, unsure what exactly she needed from him, but not really caring – she wasn’t saying goodbye. He stood in front of her and reached a hand out, which she just stared at for a long moment. Finally, she slowly reached out and took it. With a gentle pull, Richie brought Julianna up to him and held her close, tucking her head under his chin. She stiffened at first, but eventually relaxed against him.

“You will get through this,” Richie said, stroking her hair and back. “You are a strong woman. Jon said so, and he’s never wrong. He’ll tell you that himself.” He could feel Julianna’s small smile against his chest.

“What now?” she said, easing back from him to look into his eyes.

“Now,” Richie said, “you’d better call your brothers and let them know you’re OK. Frankly, I’m surprised that they haven’t stormed the place by now.”

Julianna sighed. “You’re right, but I don’t want to talk to them. Not yet. I’m not ready for the lectures.” She smiled wryly. “I’ve had more than enough of that for one day, thank you very much.”

Richie grinned. “I’ll call them for you, sweetheart, don’t worry about that.” He looked into her face. “Julianna, I won’t ever say I’m sorry, you know. I did what I had to do to get you to talk to me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“I’ll ask you again sometime if you think it was all worth it,” Julianna said.

“Baby, the answer will always be the same.” Richie’s eyes bored into her, his face set in a serious mask. “It was worth it. You are worth it. You always will be. Never doubt that for a second.”

Julianna held tightly to Richie. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Jules,” Richie said, trying to lighten the mood. “Didn’t your mama ever tell you that you deserve the best? Well, baby, that’s what you’ve got.”