Chapter 51: All's Fair In Love And War


Richie had been pacing back and forth – up and down the block that held Julianna’s building, getting curious stares and double-takes from passers-by. He must have looked like he was ready to kill someone, because even though he saw looks of recognition, nobody approached him. Nobody approached any of them, in fact. For them being out on the streets of Manhattan, that was a virtually unheard of occurrence. Richie knew that it was only a matter of time until that changed, but he didn’t care. Damn it, he wasn’t leaving until he saw Julianna. He wasn’t giving her up without a fight.

When Julianna’s phone rang, Richie assumed it was Francesca, calling back to tell them whether or not she’d been successful in her attempt to get through to Julianna. He snapped open the phone without looking at the display. “Signora,” he said, by way of greeting, “please give me good news. Will she talk to me?”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Finally, a small voice said, “Rich? It’s me.”

“Julianna,” he said, relieved. “Thank God you’re okay. Please, let me come up and see you. I need to see you. To talk to you.” To touch you, to hold you, he thought. Richie took off walking toward the door.

Julianna let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. This was going to be extremely difficult as it was, without seeing his beautiful face when she told him goodbye. “Please, let me handle this my way,” she said. She heard Richie mutter something, but couldn’t make it out. It sounded suspiciously like ‘stubborn bitch’. With a trembling voice, Julianna continued. “That was a dirty trick, you know, getting my grandmother to call me. You know damn well I would never hang up on her.”

“Baby, all’s fair in love and war. Right now I don’t know which one we’re engaged in.” Richie ran a hand through his hair, and backed away from the building. He turned on his heel and continued walking, this time circling the block while they spoke. “Why won’t you let me in to see you? Why did you run away from me?” He had to stop. Though he was trying to be calm, tears were choking his voice. He did not want to be on the streets of Manhattan bawling into a cell phone. He spied Michael’s car parked up the block, and sending a silent prayer of thanks heavenward, he aimed for it.

Julianna started to say something, but Richie interrupted. “Sweetheart, give me one minute. Please.” He was begging now. “I need to get off the street.”

Michael saw Richie coming and knew right away there was trouble. He opened the back door, and made a circling motion with his hand. Richie nodded distractedly, and swiped at his eyes. He collapsed into the back seat, and Michael slammed the door behind him. Easing out into traffic, Michael raised the privacy panel and started the slow, tedious process of circling the building.

Once he was moving, Richie took a deep breath to help steady his voice and repeated his question to her. “Why did you run from me? Don’t you believe that I love you? Didn’t you think I meant it when I said I wanted to help you and to be there for you no matter what?” He thought of something that made his blood run cold. “Didn’t you mean it when you said you loved me?”

Oh God, Julianna thought. “Of course I meant it, Rich. That’s why I left. That’s why I didn’t want you to see me now. I love you too much to make you deal with this. I want you to cut your losses. I’m broken, baby, and there’s no fixing me.” Her own voice was thick with tears. “Don’t you see? Today it was the house that set me off. Tomorrow, who knows? Anything could set me off. Sooner or later, you’d get sick of playing nursemaid to a psycho. You’ll come to resent me, and I couldn’t stand that.”

“Are you done?” Richie was angry – angrier than he’d been in a long time. “You mean to tell me that all this, this bullshit, is because you presume to know what’s in my head? Or my heart?” His voice was rising, and it was starting to get hard. “You think you know what’s in our future? What happened to not jumping to conclusions? To total honesty? Where the hell do you come off…” he trailed off. Richie didn’t want to put her on the defensive, and worked to quiet his voice.

He spoke more softly, but not with any less emotion. “Julianna, neither of us knows what the future holds. All I know is that yesterday, I told you I loved you, and I meant it.” He sighed. “You told me you loved me, and I assumed you meant it.” He cleared his throat and tried to will the tears away. “Today when I woke up, nothing had changed – I still love you. I love you, Julianna. I want to be with you, no matter what you think.” Michael was completing his circuit of the building, and Richie could see his friends still gathered outside the building.

The car headed around the block again. Richie continued. “Sweetheart, please. Let me come up and talk to you. I can’t stand it that you’re hiding from me.” He sighed, unable to stop the tears leaking from his eyes. “You’re killing me baby, and this time it isn’t good. Please, love.”

Julianna sighed, her reserve crumbling. “Rich – ”

“Please,” he begged. “Just give me ten minutes,” Richie said. “Please.”

“Alright, alright. Jesus, you’re as bad as my grandmother. Just you, though. I don’t want to see anyone else.”

“Baby, I don’t care about anyone else. I just care about you and me.” Richie lowered the privacy screen and asked Michael to quickly get back around to the front of the building. Michael jammed on the gas, and sped around the rest of the block.

Richie vaulted from the car and handed the phone to the doorman. Julianna told him he could let Richie up. Richie flew across the spacious lobby to the elevators, and waited impatiently for the car to rise, pacing in the small space. He’d have taken the stairs, but he wasn’t up to running up fifteen flights. He thought the elevator would be faster. When the car finally reached Julianna’s floor, Richie squeezed through the doors as soon as they were open wide enough. Now what? Richie didn’t remember what apartment was Julianna’s.

“Julianna!” he shouted. “Where are you?” He ran up the beautifully decorated halls calling her name, his voice desperate, until finally a door opened.

“Jesus, Sambora,” Julianna said softly from the doorway of apartment 1522. “Way to disturb my neighbors. I have to live here, you know.”

Richie stormed into Julianna’s apartment, causing her to jump back from the door. He slammed the door shut, and leaned against it. He longed to take Julianna into his arms, but he could tell by her body language that she only let him up here because he badgered her, and that she only wanted to talk. He’d let her play it how she wanted for now, but he wasn’t leaving – not until he talked some sense into her.

“Julianna, I don’t give a flying fuck about your neighbors,” Richie said.

Richie struggled to get his anger and hurt under control. He had to remember this wasn’t about him, or even them. It was first and foremost about her. Richie continued in a very soft, gentle voice. “Baby, I need to remind you of something. I’m very protective of those I love, and I’m stubborn as all hell. I’m not letting you go over something like this – especially not when I’ve only just found you.”

He took a tentative step towards her, and was relieved to see she didn’t back away. “Look at all that we’ve gone through in our lives. Do you mean to tell me that this, this,” he flapped his hands, looking for the right words, “whatever it was, this stress-induced episode is as bad as all the other shit?”

He took another step. “I certainly don’t think it is.”

Julianna didn’t answer. She saw steely resolve and hardness in his eyes. Gone was the playful lover she knew, and in his place was a serious man in love; a man who fully expected to get his way. Her heart swelled because of the first, and her stomach clenched with thoughts of the second. Now more than ever, she needed to be strong; stronger than his misplaced sense of loyalty to her.

Richie continued talking when Julianna didn’t speak. “Sweetheart, all this is my fault.” Julianna shook her head. “Yes, it is,” Richie insisted. “I never should have brought you into the house. At the very least, after you unburdened your soul to me, I should have brought you home or stayed with you until you woke up. Instead, while all the memories were still fresh in your head, I brought you back to where the demons were born, and left you there to fight them alone.” One more step, he thought, and I can take her hand.

“Can you forgive me, Julianna, my love?” Richie took that final step and reached for Julianna’s hand. It was cold as ice. She let him take it and hold it briefly, and allowed herself to take some of his warmth. With a small squeeze, she slipped slowly from his grasp.

“Rich, there is nothing to forgive,” she said. Richie looked like he was going to say something, but Julianna put her hand up. It still tingled from where he had touched it. “Please, let me have my say now.” She started pacing slowly, arms crossed over her stomach. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You couldn’t have possibly known that this would happen. I, on the other hand, should have.”

Richie looked puzzled, and cocked his head, questioningly.

Julianna continued. “You’re right in that I should have never let you talk me into going into that house. But, the decision was ultimately mine. Rich, I would follow you to the ends of the earth.” That admission scared her more than he could possibly know, and made him happier than he felt he had the right to be.

“Last night,” Julianna continued, “my inner voice was screaming at me to not follow you this time. I should have listened to my instincts and followed my gut. I knew I wasn’t ready, but I went along anyway. Maybe it was the drinking, maybe it was the giddiness I was feeling from having just made love in the car and knowing there was more to make,” she blushed, Richie smiled, and she continued. “I don’t really know. All I know is all you have to do is look at me, and you make me go stupid. I gave in to impulse without considering the consequences.”

Julianna continued walking around the spacious room, touching this and that absently, all the while shaking her head. “That just isn’t safe for me. I should never have done that. But you make me forget to be careful.” She was still shaking her head. “I can’t do that. Not anymore. It’s better we learn that lesson now than later, when we would have gotten more involved with each other. This way –” she said, trailing off.

Richie watched as Julianna stopped her pacing to look at him. She stared at him as if to memorize what he looked like. She looked like she was gearing up for goodbye. The thought made his stomach seize and his heart stop. He had only one more card he could play. It’s now or never, he thought to himself.

He closed the gap between them, took her in his arms, and kissed her with everything he was and everything he wanted to be.

Richie tried to say with that kiss what she just wasn’t getting. He couldn’t be any ‘more involved’ with her if he was living in her skin. She shared his heartbeat. She was the air he breathed -- a reason to wake up in the morning. She was a reason to be thankful for his life. He didn’t care what happened, as long as they were together. He poured all the love he had into that kiss.

At first Julianna resisted, and Richie thought his heart would break.

Then, slowly, she relaxed in his arms, and kissed him back.

Chapter 50: Italian Guilt


Nicky hung up the phone, and looked at the others in surprise. “She said ‘no’, and hung up on me. That little bitch. Now what do we do?”

Everyone deferred to Richie. After all, he was the one who was most invested in making this work out. He thought about it for a moment, and looked at Jon. “You still have Julianna’s phone?” His friend nodded, and pulled it from his pocket. Richie took it, scrolled through the numbers, and settled on one. He paced a little bit away from the group, and summoned the commanding presence he hadn’t felt for some time.

“Hello?” The man on the other end of the call said.

“Is this Stan? This is Richie Sambora. I got your name and number from Julianna.” Not quite a lie, he thought. “The band is in town, and we want to see some of the rehearsals while we’re here. We will be as unobtrusive as possible, but we do feel that we need to see what the progress is. When can we come?”

Stan was flabbergasted. He’d always dealt with one of the go-betweens – he wasn’t sure what to say. Julianna had closed rehearsals to everyone, but surely she didn’t mean to close them to these people! After all, they had a vested interest in the production, and could make things very difficult if he refused. Squaring his shoulders, he made a decision. “Mr. Sambora, you can come any afternoon next week or beyond. We’re not rehearsing this weekend. We are expecting Julianna soon, to start the staging for the finale, and while that’s going on in the rehearsal rooms, you can see what we’re doing with the company on stage.”

“Outstanding,” Richie said. “Give me the address. Also, where is the service entrance? I don’t want to draw undue attention to our presence. I’d also like to keep our presence there a secret, if at all possible. We don’t want to distract the actors.” He got the information from Stan, made arrangements for meeting security at the service entrance, extracted a promise of secrecy, and hung up.

Turning back to Julianna’s brothers, he said, “Alright. That call was the first step. In case part two of my plan doesn’t work, at least I can ambush her at the theater.” He smiled wryly. “Now,” he said, looking at each of Julianna’s brothers in turn. “Which of you is Francesca’s favorite grandson? I need to talk to her, and I need one of you to make it happen.”

Sal grinned. “That would be me. Nicky was Poppi’s favorite; first grandson and all that. I’m Nonna’s baby boy. What do you want me to do?”

Richie wanted to plead his case with Francesca, and get the older woman on his side. He had hit it off with her, and had great respect for the position she held in the family. He had to convince her to try to talk sense into Julianna. Richie knew that Julianna’s grandmother was old-fashioned, and it was improper for him to just call her out of the blue to talk to her. Sal placed the call, and started speaking in rapid-fire Italian.

Sal told his grandmother everything he knew about Julianna’s episode last night. Once reassuring her that Julianna was fine, he told her of the current situation, of how they’ve all come to rally around her, and of Richie’s concern over Julianna’s seclusion. After a couple of minutes, Sal nodded and turned the phone over to Richie. “She’s anxious to talk to you.”

“Signora Francesca?” Richie started. “Thank you for talking to me.”

“Si, of course. What is happening?” Francesca was concerned, and it came through in her voice.

“Julianna has basically barricaded herself in her Manhattan apartment,” Richie said. “She won’t talk to anyone, and she won’t let us in.” Richie left out the details, but basically told Francesca about following Julianna to New York and not being able to get up to see her. He told her that they were waiting outside her building waiting for her to change her mind, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Julianna’s grandmother made a snicker noise, showing her disapproval. “She is such a stubborn child.”

Richie said, “I’m sure that if you could talk to her, make her see that the people who love her want to help her – that would mean something. She won’t talk to any of us, and we’re out of ideas.”

“Of course, I will talk to her.” Francesca paused for a moment. “Tell me something. Do you count yourself among those who love her?”

“Yes, I do,” Richie answered without hesitation. “I want to help her through this, but she’s shutting me out.”

“Si, she does that,” Francesca agreed. “She is strong-willed and pig-headed. Not unlike her mother and grandmother, yes?”

Richie chuckled. “You really don’t want an answer to that, do you?”

Francesca laughed. “No, of course not. I will call her. You are with my other boys?”

“Yes, and I’m not going anywhere until I talk to her.”

“I admire your resolve,” Francesca said. “Remember this feeling in the days to come. Please don’t give up on her. She is very stubborn, but can usually be reasoned with.” She sighed. “I will call you back.” With that, Francesca hung up.

* * * * *

Julianna’s phone rang again. She had no intention of answering it until she looked at the caller ID. It was her grandmother. Nonna almost never called her. She forgot all about her own problems. Thinking that something was wrong with her grandmother, she answered the phone. “Nonna, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Francesca was furious. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You have run away and shut yourself away like a child. My daughter did not raise you to be a coward, Julianna Frances.” Her voice was getting shrill.

Surprised at this attack, Julianna dropped onto the couch. “Nonna, calm down,” Julianna began.

“You do not dare to tell me what to do,” Francesca shouted, making Julianna wince. “You do not dare to tell me how to act, when you yourself do not know how to act.” Julianna thought she heard her grandmother counting to ten in Italian. “Do you know what you are doing to your brothers?” Francesca finished quietly.

“Nonna, I know this is hard for them, but they’re big boys; they’ll get over it.” Julianna was starting to feel worse than she already did for her behavior, and she seriously regretted picking up the phone. There was no way could she hang up on her grandmother though. Julianna got up and started pacing around the apartment.

“Si, they will get over it, but what about your Riccardo?” Francesca paused, and when she got no answer, continued angrily. “And, he is yours, you know. He told me he loves you. And you; you think so little of love that you would put this man aside?” She started cursing in Italian. “You stubborn, selfish girl, you are ruining your life.”

Julianna started to cry quietly. She knew everything her grandmother was saying was the truth, but she couldn’t help it. This was she thought was right. She sat on the sofa again, and said as much to her grandmother; bracing herself for her reaction.

“Do you really believe this is for the best?” Francesca was incredulous. “You cannot possibly be that stupid or naïve.” Julianna gasped. Francesca continued on as if she didn’t hear, but she had, and took some satisfaction in knowing she was getting to her granddaughter. “Is it really for the best that your brothers, who have been there for you, protecting and loving you since the day you were born, are now on the outside looking in? All they want is to help you.” Francesca paused, wondering how far she could push her granddaughter before she snapped. A little further, she thought.

“And what of your new friends?” Francesca asked. “They dropped everything to come here and be here for you. Do you think these men have nothing better to do with their time than to sit on the curb outside your building for hours on end?”

Julianna sighed. “Nonna, they’re here for Rich, not for me. I have no illusions about that.”

“Even if that were true, still they came. They could have counseled your ‘Rich’ to forget about you. They could have told him that you weren’t worth the aggravation. Instead, they are out there waiting to talk to you, to see what they can do to help you.” Francesca’s voice was soft but stern.

Julianna was sobbing openly now. “Nonna, don’t think I don’t feel badly, because I do. But it really is for the best. Rich has enough pain in his life without adding me and my broken soul to the mix. I care for him too much to let him be dragged down with me.”

“You arrogant little girl,” Francesca said, completely exasperated now. “Do you think you are not causing him pain now? He chased your car down the driveway, screaming your name. He hijacked his friends into searching for you. He had Jon browbeat Nicky into giving up your address. You have already caused him pain. You now must make it right, before it is too late.”

Francesca could practically hear the wheels turning in Julianna’s head, trying to get around this argument. Sensing Julianna was close to doing the right thing, Francesca tried another tactic. “You cannot presume to know what someone will and will not want to add to his life. You owe it to this man to speak to him. You owe it to yourself to hear the words from his mouth if you are correct.” Julianna still didn’t say anything.

Francesca played her last card. “Do not make me come to the city to talk to you. I am old, and do not like to travel such distances.”

Julianna heaved a dramatic sigh. “Nonna – alright. You win. I will speak to Rich. I will tell him myself why this is for the best. I will not talk to anyone else about this. Not you, not my brothers, not Mama.”

Francesca laughed dryly. “Oh, you will speak to your Mama about this, have no doubt. She is not so old that she will not travel to see you, and you are not so old that she will not turn you over her knee for being such a brat.”

“OK,” Julianna said, getting exasperated herself. “I already said you win. I’ll talk to him. Please,” she begged, “just leave me be with the rest of it.”

Francesca reluctantly agreed, but told Julianna she did not speak for her brothers. With a final admonishment to Julianna to call her phone now to talk to Richie, Francesca ended the call.

“Shit,” Julianna said, and dialed her own cell number.

Chapter 49: Runaway


Julianna flew into her cottage and raced into her bedroom. She knew she only had a matter of minutes before Richie came after her. In her bedroom, she lowered the security bar on the slider, and drew the blinds. She made sure all her doors were locked. What she was doing was for the best, and she didn’t want her emotions to interfere with that. Moreover, she didn’t want him to interfere with that.

Julianna pulled suitcases from her closet, and started to fill them, grabbing clothes at random. She’d move to Manhattan sooner than usual, but she’d be able to protect Richie from dealing with this. What was I thinking, she berated herself. No way am I ready to be someone’s love. I’m too broken. No way I’ll ever be good enough. Tears were tracking down her cheeks as she finished filling the largest of the suitcases.

Running into her bathroom, she grabbed the essentials and tossed them into the smaller bag. She could buy whatever was missing once she got to New York. She just needed to get there. By now, Richie probably noticed she was gone. She cut through to the garage, and loaded her bags into the back of her car. She ran back into the cottage to grab some money and the keys to the Manhattan apartment from the safe in her library. She could hear footsteps on the porch. She slammed the safe closed; she was out of time.

It had taken Richie exactly ten seconds after he saw the door standing open to realize what had happened. He was in shock for another full minute, then let out a shout. “Shit!” His friends came running. Richie told them Julianna was gone, and he was going after her.

Richie tossed Julianna’s phone to Jon so he could call Nick and tell him what happened. Then he’d run across the expansive lawn faster than he’d ever run before. Jon was on the phone with Nick now. Tico and Dave were on their way over in the truck, in case they needed it. Richie fit the slider key into the lock. The key turned, but the door wouldn’t open. It was jammed somehow. He pounded on the window loudly calling out Julianna’s name. He tried the back door as well with no luck.

Too late, Richie registered the faint sound of a garage door. By the time he ran around to the front of the cottage, all he could see was the back end of a small car barreling down the driveway. He screamed Julianna’s name as he started to chase the car down the driveway. He couldn’t catch her. Richie started pacing, waiting for his friends.

‘C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, what the hell’s taking so long,” he muttered as he paced. Finally, the throaty sound of the Humvee’s engine could be heard coming up the driveway. Dave had the passenger-side window open, and had his head halfway out of it.

“Hurry!” he said. “We saw a car leave the driveway, it’s gotta be her!” Richie jumped into the back seat as Tico spun the truck around. Flooring the gas pedal, the truck lurched forward, tearing up the length of the driveway.

Richie pulled his cell from his pocket and got on the phone to Jon. “We’re too late, she’s gone,” he said, his voice registering panic. “Check with Nick; I’ll bet she’s heading for her apartment in Manhattan. Find out where it is and call me back?”

“You got it, man. Talk to you in five.” Jon disconnected and immediately called Nicky.

“Jon?” Nicky asked.

“Yeah. We think she split for the city. Tell me where her place is.”

“I don’t know if I should,” Nicky replied. “Maybe she needs her space. Maybe my brothers and I should talk to her first.”

“Listen, Nick. Rich is beside himself. He loves your sister, man, and she loves him. They need to sort this out themselves, and they can’t do that if he can’t fucking find her!” Jon was shouting now. He hated the feeling of impotence. “I can find out other ways, you know. We’ll know where she is, it’s just a matter of time.” He switched tactics. “Please, man. You saw them last night. You know how Rich was taking care of her today. I’m begging man, and that ain’t my style.”

Nicky blew out a breath. “OK. I’ll trust you with this. But so help me God, if any of you hurt her? Just know there isn’t anyplace on God’s green Earth any of you can hide.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. Just gimme the goddamn address. Jesus.” Nicky complied and Jon disconnected without saying another word.

Jon called Richie back with the information, then used Julianna’s phone to call the car service they used last night. He identified himself and asked for the Michael that drives for Julianna. When told it was his day off, Jon swore. The helpful dispatcher offered to connect him to Michael’s cell phone; an offer which Jon less than graciously accepted. When he got the younger man on the phone, Jon asked Michael to drive him to Manhattan. Jon told him he’d make it worth his while. Michael agreed, and Jon asked him to come with the car to the main house; Jon would be waiting.

Disconnecting the call, Jon went to his and Richie’s rooms and packed overnight bags. No way was Richie going to leave until he talked to Julianna, and no way he was going to leave Richie there alone. Thinking more about the situation, he went back and packed bags for Dave and Tico. If he knew his friends, they wouldn’t leave Richie either. In an unconscious move, he grabbed Richie’s guitar case from his bedroom. It was as essential to his friend as breathing, especially when he needed strength or inspiration.

Jon brought everything out onto the porch and waited for Michael to arrive. He found it hard to believe that only a couple short months ago, they were just settling in to this place. So much has changed since that day. So much good change. He didn’t want to see all of that wasted or negated by this. Come hell or high water, he would make sure that his friend was not hurt again; even if it meant risking the wrath of the Cavanaugh brothers.

* * * * *

The closer to New York Julianna got, the calmer she felt. Run and hide. Run and hide. That’s what her mind was screaming at her. As the miles flew by, Julianna could feel her tension level subsiding, and her faculties coming back into focus. About an hour into her trip, she started cursing herself for her knee-jerk reaction to her panic attack. But, in the end, she stood by her decision; it was really in Richie’s best interest not to be saddled with a psycho, but she should have handled it better. She should have explained things to him; made him see that this was the only logical choice. Maybe once she calmed down.

The closer to New York Richie got, the more agitated he felt. “Why would she run from me,” he said out loud to himself. He replayed last night’s conversations in his head over and over, and still couldn’t see this coming. He was starting to feel some of the old blackness creeping in, but was making an effort to block it. He was not going to just give in. He knew where that would lead, and he didn’t want to go back there. He just kept an eye on the time and the odometer. No sense in agonizing over it now, he thought. They’d be in Manhattan within the hour. He’d make her explain herself; make her see that she didn’t have to run from him; that he’d stand by her while she sorted this all out.

The closer to New York Jon got, the angrier he felt. If she was going to turn on Richie at the first sign of conflict, then she wasn’t the strong woman he thought she was. He’d have to reassess his character radar. The only thing keeping him from going completely bananas was the fact that Richie seemed to be rising to the occasion; to be handling this well on his own. He’d be there to support his friend, but he’d be damned if he’d stand by to watch him fall apart again. He’d break Julianna’s door down if need be and make her listen to Richie. He hadn’t been married to a black belt for so many years without learning a few tricks. He asked Michael how much longer the trip would take, and settled back to stew.

Julianna sped into the underground garage of her building. The man at the gate was familiar; she’d driven past him hundreds of times since buying the apartment. Damned if she could remember his name now. With a flippant wave, she pulled into the garage and navigated to her spot. She went up to her apartment, taking only her purse. Once ensconced in her 15th floor apartment, she called down to the doorman, and begged him to have someone bring her bags from the car. It wasn’t something they usually do for their tenants, but Julianna was always polite, respectful, and generous at the holidays, so the staff went out of their way to do things for her.

Julianna told the doorman that she would appreciate his always impeccable discretion in keeping her residence a secret for now; she didn’t want to be disturbed by anyone, including family. She was assured it was not a problem. Fifteen minutes later, one of the receptionists had brought her bags from the car, and Julianna tipped her generously. Closing the door behind her, she sagged against it for a moment, then went about opening windows to air the place out.

Fully relaxing for the first time since waking into the great room of her house, she took stock of the situation, and nearly collapsed. In front of her new friends, she acted like a child, running away like that. At the very least, in front of business partners, she looked completely unprofessional. Finally, in front of the man she professed to love, she betrayed the trust he had shown and ran away without explanation. Now, she was hiding out. Julianna now let herself collapse onto the couch in her living room, and she cried the first real tears of self-pity she’d shed in quite some time. She cried until she was exhausted, crawled to her bedroom, flung herself into bed, curled into a fetal position, and fell asleep.

Hours later, the phone roused her. The sun was streaming in her window, slanting across her bed. Julianna moaned, not ready to be awake. Flailing for the phone on the bedside table, she answered without opening her eyes. It was too bright in there for her. “’Lo?” she answered sleepily.

“Jules?” It was Nicky on the phone. “Are you OK?”

“Huh? What? Who is this?” Julianna was completely disoriented. She couldn’t place the voice on the phone. She wasn’t sure where she was. All she knew for sure was that her heart ached, her eyes were sore, and her throat was dry.

“Jules, it’s Nicky. I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. What’s the matter? Are you there?”

“Yeah,” she answered slowly, “I’m here. What do you want?”

“What do you mean, ‘what do you want’? What the hell do you think I want? I want to know what the hell you think you’re doing, and why you’ve left instructions for no visitors.” Nicky was good and pissed off. “Hell, I can’t even get past Joseph. He said you weren’t there.”

“Nicky, it should be obvious that I’m not in the mood for this right now.” Julianna was getting pissed herself. She threw back the covers and got out of bed. She crossed to the windows and pulled the drapes, making the room nice and dark, then flopped down on the bed again. “I’m here to work. I told you I was coming to the city,” she hedged, not wanting to get into it.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Nicky said angrily. His voice softened. “You’re running away, and we’ll be damned if we let you do this to yourself. You know this isn’t the answer. So you had a panic attack. So what? Nobody thinks any less of you for that. Everyone understands.” His voice got hard again. “What we will think less of you for is continuing to hide out. You’re a grownup, for Christ’s sake, act like one.”

Julianna didn’t say anything for a long moment. She started pacing around her room. “I know you’re right, but I can’t deal with this now. I have a finale to stage, rehearsals to hold; I need to forget about all of this and absorb myself in my work. You know it’s what I need.”

“What you need, little sister,” Nicky said, exasperated, “is a kick in the ass. Do you know who I have down here with me?” Julianna groaned. “That’s right,” he continued. “They’re all here. All of them. They haven’t left the sidewalk since they got here. I think Tico broke some sort of land speed record getting here, and scared the shit out of Dave and Richie. Jon dragged your favorite driver, Michael, away from a day off to schlep him all the way out here. They love you, Jules. They want to help you. Don’t be selfish. Let them help you.”

Hearing nothing on the other end, Nicky pressed. “Julianna, you’re scaring us. All of us. Rich is beside himself; he doesn’t believe that this isn’t his fault. He’s really broken up about this. If you won’t see us, at least, please, see him. Let him talk to you.”

Julianna was quiet, continuing the laps around her room. She couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Richie’s beautiful face twisted in pain; especially knowing she caused it. “No,” she finally said, and hung up the phone.

Chapter 48: Waiting


“I asked you a question, Sambora. Did you say you love my sister?” Nicky asked.

“Yeah, I did. I do,” Richie said, stroking Julianna’s hair. “That’s one of the things we talked about last night; our feelings for each other.”

“Wow,” was all Nicky said.

“I’m not going to explain it to you,” Richie said, “because it’s Julianna’s tale to tell, if she wants to. Just know that I love her, and will do whatever I need to do to help her through this. Whatever you guys, who’ve seen her go through this before, think is right, I will do. I want Julianna back as much as you do.”

“Alright,” Nicky said. “This is her business, but I will say one thing, and I already know my brothers are behind me on this because we talked about it the first night we met you. Hurt her, and we’ll break your hands. Treat her right, and you’ll have more people to depend on, more loyal friends, than you’ll know what to do with.” Nicky blew out a breath. “Give me a call when she wakes up.” He disconnected.

Jesus, Richie thought to himself, shoving the phone into his pocket out of habit. He thought he was overprotective; he could take lessons from the Cavanaugh brothers. He shifted his attention to Julianna, who looked peaceful, but she was muttering and moaning a little. Her breathing was no longer even and steady. Unable to resist, he leaned down to kiss her lips gently, trying to calm her. He pulled back to sing softly to her.

There’s something wrong and that ain’t right
I hear you talking in your sleep.
I want to dive in your dreams
And wrap my loving arms around you
Protect you when the waves crash down on you
When you’re lost and you’re scared, Ill be the air

When it hurts, breathe
When it burns, breathe
The feeling inside you is feeling like I do
Take a breath, breathe
Let it out, breathe
Just close your eyes, don’t hold it inside you
Breathe


Richie spoke quietly to her. “I know you’re hurting, my love, and it’s killing me that I’m to blame. Know that when you wake up, I’ll be here to try to take away some of your pain. I’m so sorry sweetheart. I should have never let you wake up alone. If you’ll let me, I’ll make sure you don’t have to wake up alone ever again.” He kissed her again, and laid his head down next to hers, so he could watch her face.

Jon walked into the great room, and saw his friend, head resting on the couch, staring at Julianna. “How’s the patient? She doing OK?”

Richie looked at his friend. “She was dreaming or something and getting agitated, but she seems to be doing okay now.” Jon thought Richie looked like he was going to cry. “I thought she was coming out of it.” He swiped at his eyes. “I just want her to wake up and talk to me. Or yell at me. Something. The waiting is killing me.” He stroked Julianna’s hair again. “I talked to Nick. You gave me some good advice, as usual. At first, he thought it was my fault, and was pissed. Then, when I explained the situation, he agreed that we’re doing what we can for her. He and his brothers may be by, but most likely they’ll wait until she wakes up.” He looked down at Julianna again. “God, I hope it’s soon.”

“Man, go get something to eat. I’ll sit with her awhile,” Jon said. “Anyway, the others are in the kitchen, and want to talk to you; to offer some support. Go, talk to them. If she wakes when you’re gone, I’ll call.”

Richie kissed Julianna’s cheek. “I’ll be right back, darling,” he said to her. “Jon will be here for you if you need him.” He rose from the floor, and grabbed Jon in a quick man-hug before leaving the room. “Thanks, man. I can’t seem to stop saying that to you. Just thanks.”

Jon brushed him off. “Nothing to thank me for, Rich, you’re my brother. What hurts you hurts me. I’ll be here to worry with you until she wakes up and curses us out for babying her.” He put a hand on Richie’s shoulder and squeezed. “I’ve met my share of really strong women, and I know them when I see them. She’s one of them, Rich. She’ll be OK.”

Richie nodded, and headed into the kitchen. He found Dave and Tico talking softly, hands wrapped around steaming mugs of coffee. Both men were hung over and looked like shit, and Richie told them so.

Dave laughed quietly. “Thanks, man. You don’t look too great yourself.” He sobered. “How’s Julianna? What the hell happened?” Richie, once again, told the tale about what happened last night and this morning. Dave said, “Of course, we’ll do whatever you want us to do. Just tell us.”

Tico agreed. “Man, I’m with you all the way. Whatever you or she needs, all you have to do is ask.”

“I couldn’t ask for better friends; thank you.” Richie considered himself blessed, and this was why. This group of friends would do anything for each other without hesitation or question. You don’t get loyalty and love like that every day. “Alright, Jon sent me in for something to eat.” He looked around the kitchen. “I guess that means I’m making breakfast?”

“Absolutely!” the two said in unison.

* * * * *

In the great room, Jon was sitting on the edge of the couch next to Julianna, talking to her and stroking her hair gently. He had waited for Richie to leave first, before talking to her. “You know what, darlin’, you can’t do any better than Rich; well, except maybe for me, but you ain’t interested.” He laughed a little, then continued. “I think you’re really good for him, too. He’s a lucky man to have found you. You’re funny and strong and honest, and, well, just real. There’s nothing pretentious or phony about you – at least not from what I can tell, and I’m an excellent judge of character. You, Julianna, are exactly what he needs. He also needs you to finish your rest and wake up. He’s worried sick about you.”

Jon sighed. “We all are. We’re worried about Rich, too. He’s in deep with you, darlin’. Real deep. It would actually kill him if something happened to you.” He chuckled. “No pressure or anything. I’m just laying it out for you. You’ve always been honest with me, so I will be with you. You need to wake up now, and let Rich know you’re OK. C’mon, darlin’, we’re all here for you.” She didn’t move. Jon didn’t really expect her to. She would wake up when she was ready, not because he willed it to be so.

A short while later, Richie came back to where Julianna rested. He looked marginally better for having had something to eat. His eyes immediately scanned Julianna’s prone form, looking for some sign she was waking up. Seeing there was no discernable change, his shoulders slumped a little. He crossed to the couch, and took the seat that Jon had vacated. He sat for a few minutes, and then moved to lift Julianna’s head into his lap. He sat there, stroking her forehead and hair, whispering words of love and encouragement to her. Lunch came and went. Richie didn’t want to leave Julianna’s side, so Dave brought him something to eat. It went largely untouched – Richie couldn’t stomach the thought of food.

Late in the afternoon, Dave was playing the piano softly. The others were scattered around the room, keeping silent vigil with Richie. David was in the middle of Fur Elise when Julianna started to stir. Richie had drifted off when he felt Julianna’s head shift slightly. He came awake suddenly and looked down at Julianna. “Baby, you in there?” At Richie’s words, the others came over to the couch, hopeful that their little sister was waking up. Julianna opened her eyes, groaned, and closed them again. Richie’s smile could have lit up Times Square. “Julianna, sweetheart, open your eyes.”

Julianna complied. She saw Richie’s face and smiled. “Good morning, my love,” she said, reaching up to stroke his cheek. “Was I dreaming, or were you singing to me?” When she looked around and saw the others’ concerned faces looking down at her, she frowned. “What happened? What’s going on?” She sat up and put her hands to her head. It was spinning. “Ugh, how much did I have to drink last night?” Slowly, she realized she was in the great room, not the bedroom as she expected. “How’d I get on the couch? What time is it?” Nobody spoke. Julianna frowned deeper and started to get angry. “Damn it, somebody please tell me what the hell is going on!” Now she was starting to get scared.

Richie spoke softly to her. “Sweetheart, what do you remember?”

Julianna furrowed her brow in concentration. “I remember going out last night to MacGuire’s, among other places.” She blushed. “I remember the car ride home, and trying to wake up the others,” she paused, thinking. She looked over at Richie. “You asked me to come in the house, but I refused. You got me to come in anyway and...” she trailed off. Groaning, she rose to her feet. She crossed to the Steinway and sat. “I played something on Mama’s piano.” She ran a few scales then shook her head. “I remember that we talked for a long while, then I thought we went to bed?” She raised her gaze to Richie, and he nodded. “How’d I get here, then?”

Richie blew out a breath, and crossed the room to take Julianna’s hand. “I brought you out here this morning,” he said. “We think you had a panic attack this morning, when you woke up alone and figured out where you were.” Julianna’s eyes went wide started to fill. She tried to pull away from Richie’s grasp, but he held fast. “God, baby, I’m so sorry,” Richie said. “I should have never left you alone like that.” He smiled, trying for a lightness he didn’t feel. “I figured I had worn you out and that you’d sleep through my shower.”

Julianna cracked a small smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. This time when she pulled, Richie let go of her hand. “How much time did I lose? I lost time, right? I mean that’s why I’m out here,” she looked down at herself, “dressed in someone else’s clothes? Oh God.” She put her head into her hands, and started to cry in earnest. “How much time?”

Richie put his arm around Julianna’s shoulder. “Several hours all together. You were in throes of the attack for a little over an hour, and then slept for a while. We called Nick and made you comfortable out here. He wanted us to call him when you woke up. Do you want me to do that? Or do you want to talk to him?”

Julianna shook her head, withdrawing into herself. “I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to talk to anyone.” She raised a tear-stained face to Richie. “Where are my clothes, Rich? I want to go home.”

“Julianna, please,” Richie started. The others discreetly slipped away into the kitchen.

“Rich, get me my goddamned clothes. Please,” she begged. When Richie left the room to get Julianna’s clothes, she grabbed her bag from the floor and bolted for the front door. Sprinting around back, she aimed for her cottage.

When Richie came back into the great room and saw it empty, he was puzzled. He checked the kitchen but all he saw there were his friends. They asked him what was up, and he said that he couldn’t find Julianna. He checked the library, and didn’t see her there either. Coming back into the great room, Richie noticed the front door was ajar.

He knew then that she had gone.

Chapter 47: Panic Attack



Julianna woke with a start. The sights and smells of this room weren’t familiar. It took her a few moments to realize she was in Richie’s room at the house – her house – and that she was alone. Julianna could hear the shower going in the next room, so she knew she wasn’t really alone. She smiled and stretched, her body recalling the joys of last night. She sat up and looked around the room. It was done in much the same colors as her room at the cottage, but with fewer feminine touches. This room would be appropriate for either a man or a woman.

By the positioning of the windows, she realized she was in the back bedroom suite of the house. This was the room. Her room. The room she shared with Mark. Involuntarily, Julianna flashed back to that day. The day she found Mark here. She tried to stop the memories, but she couldn’t. Julianna could feel the anger and hurt and panic rising in her throat. Maybe it was bile, she couldn’t tell. Her pulse was racing, and it was getting hard to breathe. A low keening started in the back of her throat. Blackness crept in around her peripheral vision, slowly taking over completely. She closed eyes, clasped her arms around her waist, and started to rock.

When Richie turned off the water, he heard a strange sound. Sort of like a crying kitten. Oh God, Julianna! Wrapping a towel around his waist, he sprinted through the door; heedless of the water he was dripping everywhere. He saw Julianna rocking back and forth on the bed, her complexion pale as a ghost’s, tears streaming down her face from tightly closed eyes. The noise he heard was indeed coming from her. He crossed to the bed, and quickly scooped an oblivious Julianna, sheets and all, into his arms, and took her from the room. He flew down the hall to the great room, grateful that none of the others were up yet.

Cuddling Julianna close against his chest, he sat on one of the couches, rocking her and whispering to her that she was safe, that he was with her and that he loved her. Over and over, whispering and rocking; stroking her hair and back. He didn’t know what else to do. She wouldn't answer him, and wouldn't open her eyes. He was getting really scared. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Julianna slowly started to relax against him, and the tears stopped. He looked down into her face. She was asleep. He sat back on the couch, his own eyes closed, still holding Julianna against him.

Richie heard a noise behind him, but didn't turn around. It was Jon. He was standing in the doorway, rubbing his face. His hair was sticking up every which way, and he had to keep hitching up sweats that threatened to fall right off his hips. His feet were cold against the smooth wood floors and he wished he had thrown on socks before venturing out. Jon was a wreck until he had coffee, and he was on the way to the kitchen when he caught a glimpse of Richie. Jon could see exhaustion in Julianna's face, and could tell it wasn't the good kind. His friend had such a look of concern on his face that Jon couldn't even make a joke about the way they were dressed. Something big had happened. Something serious. "Hey, man, what's going on?" he asked, scratching his chest lazily and yawning again.

“Jon, man, I don’t know what to do.” He explained about how he found her this morning when he got out of the shower.

All the sleepiness was gone once he heard the strain in his friend’s voice. Jon’s eyes registered understanding as his brain processed what Richie had just said. “Man, I think she had a full-on panic attack. How long did it last?”

Richie looked at the clock. “Jesus, it’s been more than an hour. No wonder she’s asleep. What do I do?”

Jon smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Get her dressed, for one thing. That’s something I can’t help with. Make her comfortable here on the couch and we’ll just have to wait for her to wake up. We can talk to her, find out what happened, and we can try to help her.”

“I’ll bet I’m in the room that was hers.” Richie swore. “I didn’t think. Last night, we talked for hours about our feelings, and what we’d been through with our divorces.” He smiled. “I told her I loved her. She loves me, too.”

Jon’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Really? That’s great, man. I’m happy for you.”

Richie nodded. “The stuff she told me – damn. She took her situation pretty badly, lost time for a bunch of days. She actually doesn’t remember too much about what happened for the week after she kicked Mark out.” He swore again. “Here I was, trying to be the hero, helping her through her pain. It wasn’t enough to get her into the house. No. I had to take it further. I had to push. I should have realized that this morning would be difficult, or at least confusing. I should never have left her alone. What have I done?” Richie leaned his head back, and closed his eyes, but not before Jon saw a tear snake down his friend’s cheek.

Jon walked over to Richie, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Jesus, man, she’ll be alright. She’s gotten through this before, right?” Richie nodded. “OK. Let’s talk about this, then. How’d she get through it?” Jon sat on the couch next to his friend.

“Her family and friends found out what was going on and what she needed and rallied around her.” Richie thought. “They were just there for her. I guess that’s all we can do for her until she wakes up.” Richie was starting to think more clearly now. Just a few minutes ago, he was wallowing in self-pity and making this about him. It had nothing to do with him; not really. It was about Julianna.

“Right, she’s got some friends here, now all she needs is her family.” Jon stood. “You get her dressed and comfortable. Get her phone and call her brothers.”

Richie interrupted. “Shit, man, they’re gonna kill me.”

“Focus, man,” Jon said, shaking his head. “This ain’t about you. Tell them the situation, and that we think we have it under control for now. If they want to let us handle it, we will. If they want to be here, let them. Either way, you have to let them know what’s going on.”

“You’re right.” Riche stood, Julianna still wrapped tightly in his arms. “We’ll be back. Put some pillows and stuff on the couch for her would you?”

“You got it.”

The two men set about their tasks. Richie got Julianna dressed in one of his t-shirts and a pair of boxer shorts. He threw on last night’s clothes, shoved his arm through the strap of Julianna’s purse, and brushed out Julianna’s hair. He didn’t know why he did this last, it just felt right. Through all of it, she didn’t move; didn’t make a sound. Richie brought her back out to the great room and gently laid her down on the couch, cushioning her head on the pillows Jon had brought out, and covered her with a light blanket. Kissing her gently, he sat on the floor beside her and dug the phone out of the bag.

Scrolling through the numbers, he smiled. His number was filed under “SwingKing”. Finding the number for Nicky, he hesitated at pressing “send”. Shaking himself, he pressed the little green button, took Julianna’s hand, and waited.

* * * * *

Nicky answered on the second ring. “Hey, Jules, what’s shaking?”

“Nick, this is Richie. Something’s happened.” Richie sighed. “Julianna’s OK, physically at least. She came into the house last night and spent the night.” He heard Nick’s sharp intake of breath. “She had a panic attack this morning, and is sleeping it off now. We’ve got her comfortable, and someone is staying with her until she wakes up. We thought you should know.”

“What the hell happened? Why’d she panic? What did you do?” Nicky was pissed. Richie couldn’t blame him. He’d be pissed too, if Julianna were his sister.

“Last night, when we got back, I asked her if she was coming in with us, and she said she couldn’t. I pressed,” Richie said, with regret in his voice. “She gave in, and she was okay for a while. She even played your mother’s piano. We talked some more, and then we went to bed.” It felt weird saying that to her brother, but Richie had to tell the other man everything. “She was fine last night. She was fine until she woke up in bed alone this morning. I was in the shower when she woke up. I heard her making some strange noise, and when I checked on her, she was rocking and crying.”

“Jesus,” Nicky said. “What room do you have?”

“I have the suite in the back corner of the house,” Richie answered.

“Shit.” Nicky said. “That was the suite she and Mark used as their master. At least the bed was different. She must have been able to tell it was her old room by the position of the windows.” He blew out a breath. “Give me the timetable. What happened?”

Richie told him about bringing an almost catatonic Julianna out of the bedroom and into the great room and sitting with her and rocking her for more than an hour until she fell asleep. He told Nicky that she was resting comfortably on the sofa, that her color was good, and that her pulse rate seemed normal. When Nicky asked what their plan was, Richie told him they were going to take shifts staying in the room with her so she wouldn’t wake up alone. Richie asked Nicky if he and his other brothers wanted to come by to check on her.

“No,” Nicky said, uncertainly. “It sounds as if you’re doing all you can for her now. There’s no sense in us all hovering there as well.” He sighed. “When she wakes up, please give me a call back. Depending on how she’s doing, we’ll want to talk to her or come and see her.” Nicky sighed again. “I’m not gonna tell Mama or Dad yet; no sense in worrying them.” Both men were quiet for a minute, then Nicky said, “Julianna must really have strong feelings for you. None of us could get her to step foot in the house, and we’ve been trying for a hell of a lot longer than you have.”

“Well,” Richie said. “We do have some deep feelings for each other. But maybe she just thought it was time to put the past behind her. Maybe she has a comfort level with me, as someone who didn’t know the whole sordid story until last night. Clearly, she trusted me, and I abused that trust. I should have listened when she said she didn’t want to come in. I should have had her come back in the daytime. At the very least, I shouldn’t have let her wake up alone. I’m sorry, man. You have no idea how much.”

Nicky was quiet on the other end. Richie let the other man think, and waited for the lambasting he was sure was coming. “Rich, my sister is an incredibly strong, stubborn woman. She would not have let you talk her into something she didn’t really want to do deep down. Even if I want to blame you, I know it’s not your fault.” He sighed, and Richie imagined the other man to be pacing around, thrusting a hand through his hair. That’s what Richie would be doing, and he felt that the two men were a lot alike. Nicky continued. “You’re doing right by my sister; supporting her and being there for her. Hell, we all nearly died when she said she was coming out last night. I don’t know if she told you, but she hadn’t really been out except to the Wednesday dinners since, well, you know.”

“Yeah, she did tell me,” Richie said. “She had said that was why she chose MacGuire’s to start, because it was family.” Richie let out a relieved sigh. “I’m glad you aren’t upset with me. You guys are important to Julianna, which make you important to me. Listen, I’ll call you when she wakes up, or I’ll have her call you, depending on what she wants. Know that you and your brothers are welcome to be here with her if you think that’s best. You guys have loved her far longer than I have, and I know if I had a sister that was hurting, I’d want to be with her. So, please, come if you want to.”

“Did you say you love my sister?” Nicky had latched onto that.

Chapter 46: Moving Forward


Richie’s silly smile morphed into such a smile of unadulterated joy that Julianna couldn’t help but touch his mouth, her own smile so big it hurt her cheeks. After staring at him a heartbeat or two, Julianna launched herself into Richie’s arms, and crawled onto his lap, straddling him. “I love you,” she said, before crushing her mouth to his.

Richie stood, not breaking the kiss, carrying Julianna into his arms. He felt her stiffen as he headed back to his room. He gently broke the kiss and looked at her. Julianna nodded slightly, the desire in her eyes trumping the wariness he saw there. Richie kissed her gently and continued his journey. He noticed she had kept her eyes closed this time. Julianna whispered in his ear, “I don’t want to know which room is yours. I’m just not ready for that yet. Just take me there, my love. Take me there and make me forget.”

Richie whispered back. “Your every wish is my command, love.” He walked quickly, not wanting to wait a moment longer. Kicking the door closed with a slam behind him, he crossed the sitting room into his bedroom. He unceremoniously dropped Julianna onto the bed, making her squeak.

“Don’t bruise the merchandise, Sambora,” she groused, opening her eyes. The laugh in her voice died out as she saw Richie in front of her, kneeling by the bed.

“What I can promise you,” he said, his voice thick with emotion, “is that I love you, and I want to be with you. I want to stay with you here at your cottage and I want to go with you when you leave for the city. I want to spend as much time with you as I can.” He took her hands in his, never breaking eye contact with her. “I want to cook with you, play guitar with you, sing with you, make love with you, go to sleep with you, wake up with you – all of it.” He kissed her hands. “There are a couple of things I left out earlier. I need to tell you these things, but I don’t really want to.” He sighed. “I’m a very protective, maybe over-protective, partner. I’m also very jealous, and a bit possessive. I know that’s not good, but I can’t help it – that’s the way I am. If you have any second thoughts or doubts, right now is the time to deal with it.”

Julianna nodded somberly. “I can understand that, and I’m glad you told me.” She sighed herself. “Look, I still have major trust issues, and you think you’re jealous? Baby, I’ve cornered that market in the last couple of years.” She shook her head. “I still tend to see ghosts and memories around every turn. There are times when they overwhelm me, and I withdraw completely. There are times when I am single-minded and it will be on my work. If you can handle the times when my attention and focus are on my work and not on you, or learn when to step back and let me deal with my shit my own way rather than hover, the rest of it doesn’t matter. After the things we’ve been through separately, we can work out the other stuff together.”

She reached for Richie, pulling him into her arms. “I sense this isn’t going to be easy, that we’ll have bumps on the way. But, we’ve been honest with each other about some very difficult things. If we can keep doing that, and try to keep that always in the forefront of our minds, well,” she pulled back a little to smile wickedly and shrug nonchalantly. “Nothing is guaranteed, but I’d say we’d have a better shot than most.”

Richie laughed. “Very romantic sentiment, Julianna. Do you moonlight as a writer for Hallmark? ‘We have a better shot than most.’ Jesus, I love you, woman. Your sense of humor is just perfect.” He gave Julianna a slow once-over. “So many things about you are just perfect.” He pulled her back in close and kissed her neck, scratching his five o’clock shadow on the sensitive spot between her neck and collarbone making her giggle. They made quick work of each other’s clothes and crawled into bed together, arms wrapped around each other.

Richie pulled Julianna underneath him, and slipped gently into her body. “I love you,” he whispered, as he moved above her slowly. He kissed her face; butterfly kisses that made Julianna sigh happily.

“And I love you,” Julianna answered, her legs tightening around Richie’s waist. She trailed a hand down the side of his face in a gentle caress.

Their lovemaking was tender and slow; neither wanting this first joining as true lovers to end. As with all good things, however, it had to. The release came, taking them over the edge together, as they whispered words of love to one another. When they were finally sated, they drifted off to sleep, wrapped around each other; with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts.

Chapter 45: Soul Bearing


‘When Heather and I split, it just about killed me.” Richie sighed and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “To say there were misunderstandings on both sides is a gross understatement, but instead of trying to clear them up, we just let them fester and drive us apart. I tried to lose myself in work, but that didn’t really help. Hell, you’ve heard the latest album. Don’t get me wrong; I think it’s fantastic, but on the whole, it isn’t exactly uplifting. It was cathartic to write, but still painful to hear and perform sometimes. I tried to lose myself in drinking, but that didn’t work either."

Richie sighed. "I’m not a good drunk, never was, even back in the day. I can handle the alcohol fairly well for the most part, but can’t stand the lethargic way it makes me feel. Last summer, when all the shit in my life culminated, I gave in and embraced that numb feeling. I forgot about everything that was right and beautiful in my life, and concentrated on the bad stuff. I got selfish, and decided that feeling numb was preferable to the pain.”

He smiled ironically. “Turns out, once I started down that path, I learned that there was no numbness, there was no pain, there was nothing. Feeling nothing was the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. Nothing mattered. Not my daughter, not my family, not my brothers here, and not my friends. I just wanted to escape from life. Instead I got a wakeup call. The people I loved finally were able to knock some sense into me. They helped me see that what I was doing was self-destructive instead of helpful. With some help, I realized that my biggest problem was that I was trying to lose myself, to run away from myself, and that isn’t the way to solve anything.”

Julianna just watched this beautiful man pace around, bearing his soul to her. Her heart squeezed in sympathy for his pain, and somehow in this sharing, she felt better about her own pain. She realized that her problems were petty and small compared to what he had gone through. He truly was amazing.

“Losing myself wasn’t the answer,” Richie continued. “I had gotten so far down the path of trying to run from my problems that I really did start to lose myself. I started to just exist instead of letting myself live. I’m usually a very involved person. I do things. I go places.” He stopped to shake his head. “I had lost that part of myself along the way. It took Jon weeks to convince me to come out here to the country to relax and recharge and try to recapture my essence.”

Richie stopped pacing and stalked across the room to Julianna; standing close to her but not touching her. “That day that I saw you in your studio? When you were working with my music? I think that’s when I really started coming back. The words and music still haunt me, but now, instead of the pain and anguish that I was feeling during the writing process, I see you. Instead of remembering the sadness that laced the begging and longing that crept in my voice when I was singing it, I remember the emotion on your face when you thought nobody was looking.” He took Julianna’s hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “Instead of hating the sound of my own heartbeat sometimes, I remember how it races when I’m with you. Instead of my soul feeling lost and alone, it feels connected. To you.”

He searched Julianna’s face for some sign of what she was thinking. For someone who made his living with words, he was unsure of the ones he was choosing now. He spoke quietly to Julianna, trying to make her understand. “I tried fighting this feeling because at first it came on fast and hard. Sometimes, I felt like I was just latching onto someone who was bringing me back from the abyss. But, the more we’re together, the more we see of each other and learn of each other, the deeper I feel a connection to you. Somehow, without realizing it, over this last month, I started living again. I know in my head that that you didn’t make that happen. You may have helped to inspire me, but I did it myself. I had the strength to come out of the darkness. You don’t know how powerful a realization that is.”

Richie led her to the couch, where they sat close together. “That night, when you gave me this key, you very neatly put into words what I was feeling, but couldn’t put my finger on. Home. I do feel at home when I’m with you. There’s a feeling of comfort and connection, and there’s the physical stuff sure, but for me it’s deeper than that. I said before I thought we were kindred spirits; well, I think it’s more than that.” He paused to make sure he had her full attention.

“I heard a really corny line in a movie once,” he continued. “The actor said ‘true love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.’ Well, for me, I think you are that counterpoint. I see in you a bit of myself. More, I see reflected in your eyes the man I’ve been trying so hard to be. I can’t imagine a day going by now without you in it. What I’m trying to tell you is that I love you, Julianna.”

Richie blew out a breath. “OK, that’s it. That’s what I wanted to say.”

Richie stopped and waited; seeing that Julianna was absorbing everything he had said. She looked at him, really searching his eyes. What she saw there made her face split into smile that lit up the whole room. He really meant it. “Rich, I – I’m overwhelmed. This is so unexpected. By the look on your face before, I was sure this was going someplace I didn’t want it to go. You’ve made me so happy,” she said. A shadow crossed in front of her eyes, and her smile fell. She was sitting on the sofa, and leaned forward to rest her arms on her knees.

“I need to explain what happened to me when I found Mark and ugh, that woman together. I was devastated. I had some sort of blackout. I don’t remember anything that happened over the next six days.” Richie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Undaunted, Julianna continued. “Any information I have from that time I got from Nicky. Apparently, after I made Mark leave the house, I gathered all of his belongings and burned them in the fireplace. It took an entire four days, and I went straight through without a break. No eating, no sleeping. At the end, when I ran out of his personal things, I started to burn or break anything that reminded me of him. Photos, school mementos, CDs or books we had shared. I can’t tell you how many place settings fell victim to my tantrum.” Julianna took a steadying breath, and centered herself by concentrating on Richie’s face. There was understanding and anger on her behalf, but no pity. She wouldn’t be able to stand it if she saw pity there.

“I think it was day three that was a Wednesday. My brothers were worried when I didn’t get to Francesca’s for dinner, because we had made specific plans to meet. Nicky says he called, but I barely spoke. I apparently answered the phone, and when Nicky identified himself, I told him I was busy with the burning and cleansing, and hung up the phone.” Julianna smiled and laughed without humor. He made it here in record time, and that’s even with getting stopped for speeding.” She laughed again; this time it made it all the way to her eyes. “The officer that stopped him was one of Da’s friends. When Nicky told him why he was in such an all-fired hurry, damned if he didn’t get a police escort to my door.”

Julianna stopped to shake her head. Sighing, she slapped her thighs and stood; starting her own laps around the room. “Nicky found me in the same clothes I was wearing when I left the theater, and apparently, I hadn’t opened the flue all the way, and the house was slowly filling with smoke. I wouldn’t be deterred, however. Nicky said he opened some windows and then I made him help me finish the burning. When we were done, I slept for two days straight. My brothers were there for me, taking shifts around the clock, so I wouldn’t be alone. When I woke up, they helped me move some of my stuff to the cottage, and that was the last I was physically here. I told you and Jon before that I hadn’t stepped foot in here since the night I found Mark, and I mean it. I still don’t remember anything after ordering him and bitch out of my house. It was scary, losing all that time.”

Julianna completed her circuit of the room, touching the unfamiliar objects. “When I woke up, it was Gianni’s watch. I asked him what time it was, and he told me it was noon. On Saturday. I had lost almost an entire week. Mama and Daddy had closed the restaurant; they couldn’t concentrate, so the food was awful. My sisters-in-law had taken all my clothes to be cleaned because the smoke smell was so pervasive. My brothers rallied friends and family to rehab the cottage for me, and to redecorate the house. I couldn’t have any part in it. No matter what joys this place may have held, the sorrows were far more powerful.”

Julianna came back to sit next to Richie, and took one of his hands in both of hers. “Once I started the new show, that’s all I knew. It took all my energy and attention. I didn’t go out, I didn’t talk to my friends – it’s a wonder that I have any left. It’s a miracle that Estelle, the realtor who handled your rental and my best friend for more years than I can count, is still speaking to me. I practically lived at the theater. I had a real hard time being able to give my trust to anyone; even people I’ve known for years. I wouldn’t even talk to my family. It was just too much. These last few months, I’ve started to come back from the depression. This last month, I feel like I’m back to being almost normal. Going out last night was a huge step for me. It’s the first time I’ve really been social outside of family in over a year. That’s why I talked to my brothers, and why we went to MacGuire’s. It was for me to be with family. It was for my comfort.”

Julianna squeezed Richie’s hand, and scooted to the edge of the couch. She stared into his eyes. “I feel the same way you do. You’ve made your way into my heart. At first, I thought it was the excitement of meeting you, of being around one of my idols and long-time crushes.” She smiled. “I felt a connection to you from the start, but I refused to believe it. That night in the studio, when we’d had all that to drink, and I sang that song for you, it was really from the heart. This heart is yours to break, and that scares the shit out of me.” She dropped her hands, and looked at the floor.

“I’m a very passionate, loyal, and loving person,” Julianna said. “I feel emotions in extremes, and don’t do anything halfway, which is why I get so deeply hurt sometimes. If I’m going to do something, whether it’s work, the Foundation, my pet projects, or,” she raised her head to look at Richie again, “or a serious relationship, I do it whole-hog. I’m also very stubborn, driven, and extremely dedicated to my work.

“I’ve been half in love with you nearly my entire life. Now I realize that was just a crush on the stage you, not the real you. Now I realize what feeling in love with you feels like. It’s the giddy feeling I get when I look out the window at this house, knowing you’re over here; hoping you’re thinking of me, and wondering if you’ll come to see me. It’s the smile in my heart I feel when I work out in my studio, and remember you coming back from New Orleans, and my brothers’ untimely arrival. It’s the leap in my pulse when I remember opening my front door to you the first time we met. It’s the joy of a hundred happy memories I already have with you that have displaced some of the bad memories of my past.”

Julianna stopped, and looked at Richie. He had a silly smile on his face. She laughed. “Rich, I’m not trying to say I’m falling in love with you,” she took a deep breath, and just said it. “I – I’m already there. I love you. I don’t know how it happened so quickly, or why I feel it so deeply, but it’s there. I’m going to trust in it, trust in you. I’m scared as hell over this, but I’m more scared of losing this feeling.”